You Are More Than A Mom…

redefine who you are or at least put yourself in the direction of change and balance that will make you happy.

I’ve been in this kind of weird place the last few months.  Asking myself questions about who I am, what is my purpose, why am I just not that happy and what do I “need” to turn this around?

So this morning I tried to sneak a few minutes of quiet time into the start of my day by sitting on the porch and reading this month’s issue of O Magazine before the 3 kids woke up.  That’s when I came across an article called “The 10 Step Life Renewal Plan”, written by Dr. Phil.  I swear he was talking right to me.  Generally I’m a picture viewer and caption reader, but his first sentence led me to read on. He starts with “Ask yourself these questions to figure out what’s working, reject what’s not, and move toward your best decade yet.”

I want to share the best points that I think all of us Mom’s can relate to and perhaps it will help you too, get out of any funky place you might be in.  I think being a mom for ten years now leads myself and perhaps you to reflect on your past, when you were your most happiest and the question of “How do I get back to that?’  We give up so much of our own dreams and self to make sure we meet 100% of the needs of our children.  At some point, it seems we have been redefined as just “Mom.”

So how do you reassess who you are? These are are the questions from Dr. Phil’s Insight and how I’m trying to incorporate them into my own life:

1) Does the way you spend your time reflect what’s important to you?

Make a list of your top five priorities – marriage, children, volunteer work, and so on – and track how many hours you devote to each in a week.  If any numbers are too low, recalculate your time so you can live according to who you want to be.

“I did this only to realize that I actually do nothing for myself.  I have let go of all of the things that I like to do like golf, lay out in the sun, play softball and have replaced it with what the kids want to do or what my company needs.  This has a lot to do with being unhappy.”

2) Does your blackberry get more attention than your family and friends?

Resolve to switch off your gadgets during private moments so you can nourish personal connections with complete focus.

“I set a time everyday that I stop working.  That gives me the time to focust 100% on my kids and gives my mind the time it needs to separate so that I can go to bed without the whirlwind of constant thinking.”

3) Are you nursing a grudge or two?
Let bygones be bygones and free yourself from the emotions that weigh you down.

“I really need to take this advice, but wish Dr. Phil would have given some insight into how exactly to free yourself.”

4) Who should be in your life?
Phase out any so-called friends who offer only criticism and negative energy.  Surround yourself with people you admire, who believe in you and want you to succeed.

“I did do this a long time ago. I have an extremely hard time letting go or cutting ties.  When I realized that a few people were truly negative forces in my life, I finally decided to let them go.  I have no room in my world for negative energy.”

5) How you typecast yourself?
You may cherish your responsibilities as a mother, but “Mom” is not the whole of who you are.  Ask yourself if one role is draining all your energy, leaving other expressions of your authentic self unfulfilled.

“Bingo! This, in a nut shell, is me.  My family gets 100% and my company gets the other 100%.  I have no energy or day left to do the things that are just for me. But I have no idea how to change this.”

6)  What are your goals?
Define specific goals with measureable outcomes and assign yourself a timeline. Passion and willpower alone will not cut it – you need a strategy.

“I will definitely be working on this”

7) Who is standing in your way?
The answer may be you. Reject self-loathing and treat yourself with the kindness and respect you would show your best friend.

“If I could only get my significant other to swallow these words and treat me with the kindness and respect that I show him. I think this battle is an entirely new blog post.  How do you get your spouse to fulfill your needs even after you’ve expressed them 900 times? Is it neglect or is he just that self-centered?”

What one thing can you do for yourself everyday?
It could be as simple as finding 20 minutes to take a bath (my wife, Robin, swears by that). Every day is a new opportunity to pay attention to your own needs and make choices you feel good about. This decade, claim the right to minister to yourself.

“I created a room in my basement that would give me a place to go, listen to music and give myself the peace and quiet I crave and deserve. My life is filled with mommy…mommy…mommy and my husband…where’s my keys, my hat, my wallet, the razor, did you pay this or buy that…blah blah blah… I can’t even take a shower without being barged in on, even when I lock the door.  My quiet room quickly became a new play room for the kids, so there went that.  I discovered I need to leave the house. But where to go and why should I have to leave? It would be nice if my husband would respect my needs and give me that peace everyday, only if it’s 20 minutes?”

I hope these help you redefine who you are or at least put you in the direction of the change and balance that will make you happy.

Thanks Dr. Phil for the Insight!

Source: May 2010 O Magazine
Author: Phillip C. McGraw, PhD

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